My confession
I got a confession to make. I'm a Christian. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you before. I know I'm letting all of my friends down. I don't know what to say? Except.... I am sorry.
Christianity has got a bad rep. Most people associate it with bible-touting, gun-touting right wing activists. (People like me actually. It sucks that we have such restrictive gun-control laws over here.) People associate it with G.W. Bush. (Someone I'd vote for.)
Let's face it. Christianity sucks. Manic screaming television preachers who demand your money suck. The people with the painted smiles suck. The chick that enters the office and wildly screams: "Living with Jesus is cool!", sucks. (Get fucked already.) The guy who puts his foot in your door handing you a watchtower pamphlet sucks. Priests abusing little kids suck! (More than they get sucked actually.) The chick (it's always a chick) that tells you masturbation is a sin sucks. (Ask her husband.)
So here's the thing. You have to believe a certain set of dogma's. You have to believe that Jesus was the son of God. You have to go around telling everybody they are great sinners and should convert. You have to believe in stuff you know can't be right. You have to submerge your ego into the ocean of collective church-unconsciousness. You have to sing stupid little songs and you have to stop drinking, cursing and screwing around.
I don't believe all that shit. I drink. I curse. I masturbated so much the last 37 years that my penis is slanting heavily to the left. I lie, I fornicate and I kill. (My apologies to daddies chickens.) I screw every available pussy that gets thrown my way. (Which is not much. And not even half of the pussy Fallwell gets.) I don't think living with Jesus is cool. I think it makes you a fucking nerd. I think the whole bloody bible is a big fucking joke. And it certainly is NOT the word of God.
And I am a Christian.
I think Jesus is the son of God. Hell I think Jesus is God. And if he isn't, well.. he should be. I think any man who gets nailed and hung to a cross, and still has the balls to forgive the motherfuckers who did that, should be made God. If there is a God and he's not Jesus, fuck him! I think Jesus wouldn't give a flying fuck wether you masturbated or not. I think Jesus couldn't care less wether you screw your neighbours wife. wether you kill, wether you lie, wether you dishonor your parents. Because I think Jesus is more concerned with WHY you do it. Sometimes screwing your neighbours wife is the most Christian thing to do and sometimes killing is necessary.
I think every goddamn crusader that left hearth and home, spending his savings, and leaving for the orient is sitting at his right hand. I think every Goddamn soldier, wether American, Dutch, British or whatever that left his family to fight against the cult of death in the orient is either sitting next to him or going to be sitting next to him, whatever they do after they get back home. I think every Goddamn buddhist or Hindu or Shinto that rejected christianity but was willing to fight the good fight, was willing to look inside his heart is going to be right there.
I think all those frigid turts who tell you not to masturbate are not going where they think they are going. I think the people with the painted smiles are in for a big surprise. I think the 9/11 bombers are not going to hell. They will just meet a loving father that will try to talk them out of the hell of their own conscience when confronted with what they did.
I once told a woman after a 48 hour sexual marathon that I felt she was bringing me closer to God. She didn't understand. God bless her soul because I would have made life a living heaven for her, but she chose allah.
I'm a Christian.
I curse, drink and disrespect. I'll screw your wife if necessary and I'll certainly kill you if that's what it takes.
I'm a Christian.
My sincere aplogies to those who didn't know. I'm a Christian and I'm proud of it.
posted by The artist formerly known as the Bulb. @ 6:05 AM
12 Comments:
AfuckingMEN! Now that I know masturbation is not a sin, I will masturbate more than once a week.
Dude, I cannot tell if you are being serious or sarcast, really, you blow my mind's eyes crossed at times.
I am not even going to get started on why GW was a poor choice...
I will say that it is not Christianity that sucks, more so some of the people who profess to be Christains that suck. To each his or her own though, you know?
That's what our fine country is based on, everyone having the right to suck in his or her own way. We are supposed to be dedicated to defending freedom.
Bush, now he wants everyone to be of the same cookie cutter mold. Oh crap I was NOT going to get into that....
Church and state should be seperated, yes? The legislation of morals is difficult at best, so keep moral guidance in the hands of the church and not in the hands of the state. Thank you very much gw, but no thank you....there I go again....
There is good and bad in all areas of life, where ever people are involved. Dark and light, good wolf, bad wolf fighting inside us, all of the time, which wolf wins the fight? Which ever you feed the most.
Who says you have to go around condeming other people to hell? Who says you have to act like a raving lunatic to be a Christian? Who says you have to stop drinking, and sexing to be a Christian? I suppose it all depends on how a person individually views what is right and what is not.
What my concious allows me to do and what your concious allows you to do most probably are two different things. As they should be, for we are all responsible for getting our own caracusses to the gates of heaven, or hell, which ever the case may be.
What was I saying?
Oh yah, the main point that I wanted to stress here is, in my world the path that causes the least amount of pain for me or who ever else is involved, that is my Christian path to follow. Just sayin', mine.
Hey what's with the prude thing on my link, and windbag description?
Oh crud, I forgot to spell check, carcass, not caracuss was what I meant to write. Concious, is that right? No, it's conscious. Pfft.
She uses a lot of words.
And the prude thing has been there ever since I first linked to you over a year ago!!!!
I personally don't think it's Christianity that sucks..I think it's the HYPOCRITES who relay the bible and the word of God as their own. They believe what they want to rather than what is..Does this make sense? No? Oh well, fuck you then, and God bless you! :p
Oh my gaaaa, jess cracks me up; made me shoot coffee out my nose...
Okay, so I'm a wind bag, I'll give ya that one...
And I know I'll probably regret ragging you for calling me a prude. The alternative would be even more unlike me...maybe.
Wait, there was a GOOD presidential candidate?!?!
Where???
Who???
Voting for Bush was, basically, like figuring out which testicle to inject the Herroin into.
What a Christian!...
What was all that about?..
If your previous posts on "Islam" did not indiacte your Christian beliefs', this certainly did it..
God Bless!
I am an atypical Christian too. I also believe that other religions are valid. I think GW is the anti christ. I am in favor of masturbation. I don't think that FA is a windbag or a prude however, okay, now I have to see if my link says anything strange.
I love Rain, if she had a penis I would stalk her!!!
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